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Friday, April 20th, 2012
8:36 pm
A long time since I posted. A lot of things have happened.
I got married. I went back to school and got my Master's degree in Counseling. I have a grown up job now as a therapist at a crisis center. I play in a semi-successful local band. Hell, I might even have a kid in a few years.
It is strange at how you can accomplish a lot, but still feel so small at times. I should feel good about what is going on. But, I don't. it seems I am never satisfied. I rarely feel like I have accomplished anything at all.
Interactions with clients at my job reminded me of my old secret Livejournal. I have long since forgotten the password for it. I read through the entries and I feel I do not know that person. That person was so dark and depressed. Far more than I am currently.
Yesterday I was listening to that Garbage song that says "When I grow up I'll be stable." It's funny. I used to think that. Maybe this is what stable is? I sure don't feel stable. I still feel like a see-saw. But reading back on those posts I realize that I am a hell of a lot better than I used to be.
Is that how this works? "recovering" from mental illness? I guess I should know, being the trained counselor and all. It is different to experience it though.
Well, my husband just got home. I am going to go check in with him.
Hello again, Livejournal.

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Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
12:45 am - well, now
Ok, so 4 months have gone by since my last post.
Why? no idea. I still check this thing most days... and a lot has happened. I guess I just never feel like writing it all down.

Well, in January Ryan and I went to Chicago. I thought it was just a trip for the hell of it, and to get away for a few days. I was wrong
He proposed. It was so cute. We were taking a bunch of pictures one day. When we got back to the hotel he asked me if I wanted to look at the pictures. Little did I know that he had changed out the memory card in the camera. Instead of seeing pictures of our day, I saw pictures of him holding up signs, one word per pic. " Will. You. Marry. ME. ? " and then another that said "please check one box" with yes and no written under, haha.
He is such a dork.
Of course I said yes. he gave me this beautiful antique diamond ring that we had seen in an antique store a few months back. Seems that he had bought it back then, and planned to give it to me in Chicago. Chicago is kind of our place :) we go there a few times a year... mostly to shop at the vintage stores and eat the great food, haha

So we are getting married this summer. August 3rd to be exact. I have been running around trying to schedule everything. so much goes in to a wedding, it is ridiculous. It is hard because my work schedule is all over the place... it is hard to coordinate with people and make appointments.
I am excited for the wedding. It will be fun. Both of us want it to be a fun day. Definitely not stuffy and uptight like most weddings.
But mostly I am excited to have him as my husband. I know that may sound cheesy, but it is true. I just love that boy so much. I cant wait to move in and start our lives together. it is a big change... but a great one.

It is funny... with all of this happening I have started to think back on my past relationships, both serious and casual ones. I guess the realization that you are going to spend the rest of your life with 1 person will make you do that.
For the most part I have no idea what I was thinking with those relationships. The people were so obviously wrong for me. The signs were all over the place.

I have had a few serious relationships in my life, and about a ton of casual ones. I was always one of those people who was never single. that all comes down to me being insecure. I hated being alone because I felt that it meant there was something wrong with me. funny, huh... Whenever a relationship ended I felt it was because of something I lacked, never them.
I would stay with people I couldnt stand simply because I didnt want to be alone, and because I thought I couldnt find anyone else. nice thought, huh? oh, the joys of being a depressed teenager :) Ryan and I started dating when I was 20, so almost all of my dating experiences were from my teens.
It is weird to look back like that, and to see how much you have changed. I would NEVER let people get away with some of the stuff they did. I dated many complete idiots. I am the type of person who sees the good in everyone else. This quality contributed to my dating of dumb asses.
It is also weird to thing of what might have been different. Every little step in your life leads you to where you are now. I am lucky to have been led to this spot.

As I said earlier, my work schedule is all over the place. Some days I work very early, others I work late... It never seems to be a convenient time. Plus this mixing up of my schedule is hell on my insomnia (as you can tell... it is 1:15 am). my crazy sleep schedule has caused me to feel exhausted all of the time. This has caused me to be far less social than I used to. I hate that.I want to go out and do more, but I am so damn tired all of the time. ugh.

well, that is it for now. Tylenol pm is kicking in, so I better get to sleep while I can!

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Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
12:31 am - again
another month has gone by, and now I guess it is time for another post.
Lately my life has consisted of work, work and work. That is the joy of working in retail during the holiday season. I had no idea a managerial position would be as time consuming as it is. Not that I am complaining, I just feel that work is never far from me, and that I never truly get a day off.
It is fine. It is my job, and I love the company I work for. One of my favorite people has started working with me, and this is wonderful. She and I are similar in many ways that I feel different from others. it is great to see heather more.
Ryan and I are going strong :) I love that boy. he has been very patient with my hectic schedule.
We have started hanging out with our friend Steve alot more, which is great.
I have also been seeing my sister much more... a product of Ryan and my brother in law bonding over playing music together. My sister Jen and I have always been close... in spirit if not always in person. It has been great to see her more often
I have gotten 2 more rats, making it a grand total of 3 now. These animals are adorable and bring me a ton of joy. Kayla has yet to meet the new ones but will on thursday :)
Getting over Mingus' death has been hard. very hard. I still miss him and I have dreams about him. I still feel that somehow I failed him. I will never forget that little guy, and I am planning on getting a tattoo of him on my hip. I know some people will never understand, and think I am crazy... but honestly I dont give a shit. my love for animals, and especially my love for him, I can't and will probably never be able to explain.
but yes. today was christmas, and it was a good but tiring day. I have a great family and so does Ryan. The day was spent with both, separately, and was really nice.
With that said, I am exhausted. I am going to bed.

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Thursday, November 29th, 2007
2:43 am - this is all I have to say right now

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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
12:36 pm - I want to see you come back as the light
... I got the call. The infection had not spread to his other organs. It had, however gotten to be so bad that the Veterinarian felt it was impossible to contain. She had taken out so much of the infected areas that she felt he would have trouble even using his legs again. She said that each time she removed some, she would find more infection underneath. She said that his tissue was so thin in one area, that she could see through it and he ran a high risk of his rectum tearing.

She gave me the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. Keep on trying, knowing that he will have a horrible time making it through this and that in all honesty, he probably wont... or ending his suffering now.

I chose to just end it. As much as I wanted to cuddle and kiss him more, and as difficult as it was, I could not bear the idea of him going through any more pain and suffering. I love him too much for that.

I had to put him first.

I keep blaming myself for ever getting him neutered in the first place. But honestly, I was just trying to do what was best for him. I had heard so many arguements for it, and none against it. I just wanted him to live a long and happy life.

I love him so much. so so so so much.

This is hell. This is complete hell. I miss him so much. He was my little man. He was my little ray of sunshine.


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Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
2:39 pm
I am playing the waiting game.
Mingus is in surgery, or going in to surgery as I type this. This surgery today will determine whether or not he needs to be euthanized.
I am typing this all out to pass the time.

The past month has been ridiculously hard.

On September 19th I had Mingus neutered. I did this for a few reasons. He had started humping quite a bit. I introduced him to some new rats and he went crazy with humping them. They did not appreciate this. I had heard and read that rats are happiest in groups, and I knew he would stop humping and be less aggressive if he was neutered. He also had started to mark territory. He was constantly peeing little bits all over Ryan and I. I had also read about how neuting a rat can make their lifespan longer and prevent them from getting tumors, which they are prone to.
I went to www.afrma.com and looked at the list of preferred vets. I found one that I thought was good (Dr. Baker.) Mingus went to him for check ups beforehand, and then was neutered.
When I brought him home, all seemed fine. After a few days he chewed out his stitches and I had to take him to the emergency vet near my apartment. They replaced the stitches and recommended that I follow up with his normal veterinarian, which I did.
When I took him back in to Dr. Baker he said that everything looked good, except he had a little bit of swelling. He explained that this was common and to just watch it.
About 2 weeks go by and everything seems to be going pretty well. He still has a little swelling, but I am keeping an eye on it.
Then last sunday, the 7th, I was getting ready, and took Mingus out to say hello and play. His scrotum had swelled up to about the size of a golf ball. I took him to the emergency veterinarians again, and they had to put him under anesthesia and cut in to him to see what was going on. It turned out to be a nasty infection. They sent me home with antibiotics to give him, and told me to go to Dr Baker. I called, and Dr Baker was out of town. There was another Vet at the clinic who would check on Mingus, though. I thought that was better than nothing, so I made an appointment for tuesday morning. I noticed that Mingus was walking funny. On Monday night I picked him up and looked him over and found that his whole right leg had swelled up. He also was swelling again in the other area. This swelling had happened very quickly, in a couple hours time. I, once again took him to the emergency clinic.
The doctor there said Mingus was going to have to have another surgery to see what was going on inside of him. She recommended that I talk to the other veterinarian at his normal clinic to see if he felt comfortable doing explorative surgery on a rat. She recommended some other places in case he didnt.
The next morning when I was getting him ready I found that the swelling in his leg had doubled.
The veterinarian did not feel completely comfortable doing that type of surgery, as he didnt know much about rats. I drove about 45 minutes to another place that I had heard was good. There they looked over his charts and informed me that Dr. Baker had made some horrible mistakes with Mingus' neuter.
first of all, he used the wrong type of sutures. He used some kind that rats are very sensitive to and this kind is known to cause infection.
Second, he did not stitch up some tube that runs from the testes to his abdomin area. In rats you HAVE to stitch this up, because if there are any complications, an infection can travel up this tube and spread to other organs. Also they run the risk of hemmorage without this closed off.
Now, Mingus had an infection most likely due to those damn sutures, and the doctor had neglected to tie that tube up, which means that it easily could have spread to his other organs. This veterinarian said he needed immediate surgery, but their surgeon wouldnt be in until thursday. She couldnt guarantee that he would live that long.
So, we go to yet another place, Parkway Animal Hospital. This place was recommended to me by a lady who runs a rat rescue center.
Here they take xrays and determine that it probably isnt a hemmorage. Dr. Golombek does the surgery and finds that he had soft tissue swelling and a huge infection. she clears up as much of the infection as she can, and sends him home with about a million antibiotics.
The next few days are spent in and out of Parkway and the Emergency Clinic because Mingus wont stop moving around and opening up his stitches.
Yesterday I took him in for his follow up exam with Dr. Golombek. She explains that he is not healing properly, there still is a ton of infection, and most likely the reason he wont stop playing with his incisions are because they arent healing.
She tells me that she is afraid the infection has spread to his other organs. If this is the case, the best possible thing to do for him is to euthanize him. If I do not, it will just take over his whole body and slowly he will deteriorate. I would rather just end it now if that is the case. He is still in high spirits, and he has been through so much already that I do not want to prolong the suffering.
If the infection has not spread, then maybe he has an immune system deficiency. If this is true, then we just need to use more and stronger antibiotics.
She suggests surgery, once again, to look in his abdominal cavity and see if the infection has spread. She is going to call me as soon as she sees what is going on.
I dropped him off early this morning.
The surgery was scheduled for 2:30/3:00 today. It is 3:15.
I am waiting to hear from her.
I spent last night and this morning playing with him. I let him run around a little. He was so happy. he gave me kisses, he groomed my hand. Ryan came over to see him last night, and Mingus was so excited to see him. He kept crawling all over him and kissing him.
I hate everything that he has had to go through. I keep thinking that if only I hadnt had him neutered, he would be fine. I was doing what I was told was best for him though. Everything I have done in this situation has been to help him.

I never thought we would grow as attached as we have. I love him so much, and he is so incredibly affectionate towards me. He is the cutest thing ever. and I love him so much.

I want them to call me. I want him to be ok. I want this nightmare to be over.
I would do anything
damnit, just call me and tell me he is fine

current mood: crushed

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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
7:27 am - new friend
I would like to introduce everyone to my new friend and roomate Mingus

Being curious

curly whiskers!


Mingus is a 3 month old hairless rat (he still has some baby fuzz). He has not yet met with his other roommate Kayla. This will happen later today, so lets all hope and pray that they get along well.


current mood: happy

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
2:41 am
Everything is so routine. I am feeling like I need a change. a big change
I do have a change coming up... I got accepted to Wayne State for the Masters program
I was excited to hear this. definitely. But now I am beginning to think... This means I am stuck here. I cant move away because it would be incredibly difficult. I havent even been seriously thinking of moving away. Maybe I just have a fear of commitment? heh

It just seems that everyday is exactly the same:

get up. eat 1/2 Cliff bar. go to work
Come home from work. pay attention to Kayla
maybe hang out with someone... but most of the time I am too tired from selling stuff all day to really want to do anything interesting. usually it is just coffee
When I am done I sit around online and wait to get a little sleepy.
Then read/do some kind of a mind puzzle (crossword, sudoku, logic) in my bed
go to sleep
then repeat

Then on my days off I sleep in a little, and do errands, mostly. I do try to get together with friends on my days off, often our schedules are different though.

It could be a lot worse. but I still need a change.

Ryan and I are going to Mackinac Island for a few days, which will be a nice vacation. I wish I could leave for a week though. I would go pretty much anywhere

Speaking of...I have been pulling a Ryan, actually, and looking at apartments and jobs in other cities. I have had no luck though. The idea of moving somewhere completely alone scares me anyway.

I need something new. something different.

Any suggestions?

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Monday, June 11th, 2007
1:32 am - it is easier than you would think
a little over 2 weeks without any dairy
I have a little more energy. my mood is better.
I feel better about what I eat
I have lost about 3-4 lbs, an added bonus :)

I have, however, become ADDICTED to:

Haagen Dazs Mango Sorbet. mmmmmmmm

Seriously. I dont want a day without it.

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
12:53 am
I have had a little bit more time on my hands lately, and in turn, a little bit more time to self-reflect.

Maturing in to adulthood is truely a strange and scary thing. it seems that one day you are a child, living at home, getting up early for school, driving around with friends, and then the next thing you know you are in your mid twenties and expected to be a responsible adult. You need to get a full time job, to maintain your own place, and to figure out what you are going to do for the rest of your life... all at once. It can be overwhelming.

Sometimes, in the mix of things, you lose sight of what really makes you happy. Sometimes you get so damn focused on what should be happening, or is going to happen, that you dont appreciate the present.
I think we all are guilty of this. but how do we control it?
I think the answer lies first in the admittance. once you realize that you have made some mistakes, been impatient, or that you have been greedy about something, you can start to stop yourself from doing it again.
It is hard, and quite nearly impossible to take a real step back and look at yourself and your actions. What motivates you? What makes you happy? What makes you upset? Trying to find present answers to these questions are sometimes difficult.

I have been thinking about all of this. about what used to make me happy, what does make me happy, and what I think will make me happy. I realize that I have made some mistakes. I have gotten stuck in little petty things, and I have not been looking at the big picture. I have not been looking at what is real and true.

I am assuming that no one reading this will know what I am talking about. Unless they are psychic. But some focuses are starting to change for me. and yes, I am a very fast learner. I believe it is the basic knowledge of psychology ("you dont know the history of psychiatry, I do!"), and, well, my less-that-ideal past that has helped me so quickly recognize certain things.
Does that mean I am not nervous about the future? Hell no, it doesnt. I have no idea what lies in front of me. that not knowing is really difficult. but I am taking everything one step at a time, trying not to jump too quickly into or out of anything.


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Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
11:20 pm

the best dessert. period.

AND it is dairy free :)

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Friday, May 25th, 2007
2:00 pm
Here, now, today I have made a decision that i seriously plan to stand by

I intend to become vegan. as quickly as possible

I am not going to throw out the food I already have that contains cheese or eggs, as that is wasteful

But I am going to begin purchasing only vegan cheese, vegan protein bars, tofu to scramble instead of eggs, etc.

I think this will get me on the right track. It is much more ethical, and it will help me become healthier. I do need to make sure that I am getting enough protein though, as my blood sugar problems will create an issue if I do not.

Wish me luck, as I know this is a difficult change to make

current mood: determined

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Monday, May 21st, 2007
2:12 am - I have to admit this is funny, eventhough I love The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn't feel any need to see it again?

Tim Curry: I'd say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.

From the ever-amusing OVERHEARDINNEWYORK.COM

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
12:56 am
my tattoos freakin itch!

I guess i have been scratching the one on my back in my sleep, because when I woke up today it was all scratched up. I thought it was infected or something. much of the pigment is gone and it was all bumpy and gross looking. I went in and they informed me that I must have been itching it in my sleep, and that it isnt an uncommon thing to do (we arent awake to stop ourselves!)

so now i have a screwed up tattoo on my back. but the good thing is that they will touch it up in a week or so when it is healed for free :)

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Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
9:31 pm
I never feel motivated enough to update this thing. Partly because very few people even read LJ anymore. sad, because i still like it.

a few weeks ago Ryan and I went to Chicago to see Placebo. Rather, I went to Chicago to see Placebo and I begged Ryan to come. That show was freaking wonderful. I was sick to death. a few days before the show I started getting chest pains... then I started coughing a ton. The day before I was still unsure whether or not I would even go. Everytime I coughed, which was constantly, it felt like i was being stabbed in the chest. my throat hurt and tickled. I had no energy and felt slightly dizzy. But what do I do? Stay home and take care of myself? Nope.
Placebo always comes first :)
The bus ride there was a chore. tons of college kids were on it being loud. Ryan and I were laughing listening to the guy behind us trying to explain all this art stuff to the poor girl he was sitting next to. He misused the word 'ironic' a few times. whatever.
the show was soooo good. We stayed up on the balcony, because I was sick (otherwise I would have been kicking asses to get to the front) and Placebo played for about 2 hours :) They played stuff from their first album, and quite a few of my favorites. I loved it so much. Ryan tolerated it. He really is such a sweet boyfriend
since then I have been working all the time, and rarely seeing anyone besides ryan, because I have such a screwed up work schedule.
Today I got 2 new tattoos. I added the other half of the Kanji stuff to my leg. I had originally, about 5 years ago, meant to get "Music" tattood on my ankle. Instead I just got part of it... "Pleasure" it took me 5 years to get around to getting the other half ("sound") put above it so that it forms the correct Kanji for Music. now no one can think I just really love pleasure.
Plus I got a music note (an eighth note) tattooed on my shoulder.
I love music if you havent noticed by now. It has been an incredibly important factor in my life. I have gone through many rough times where the only thing I knew to do was just lie back, listen to music and escape. My passion for it is one of the only things that has remained stable in my life. actually, it is probably the only thing.
That may sound cheesy to some people, but I am sure that many of my friends know what I am talking about.

My father had surgery yesterday. I was pretty nervous for him. Something happened where his tendons in his left shoulder got torn off of the bone. They had to sew things back together and then screw the tendons back on to his shoulder. yuck. the recovery time is about 12 weeks, and it is supposed to be a painful one.
The surgery went fine. I saw him today and he seems to be doing alright, given the circumstances. I love him so much. He is really an amazing person and I feel honored to know him, let alone have him as my father.
My mother is the same way. just such a wonderful person. I feel the same way about her. I am really lucky. insanely.

anyway, I should go. but there is my little update. Hopefully I will get back in the habit of doing this more often

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Monday, April 9th, 2007
12:48 am - Yay!
Thank you to everyone who came last night for my birthday! I got to see pretty much everyone I wanted to and I had a good time, although I wish some of you could have stayed longer

I love you guys :)

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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
1:40 am
Sometimes I feel that I leave my heart open too much.

I wish i wasnt such a passionate person.

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Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
10:03 am
Haiku2 for silverraze
dead lady christie and
bjork angie hobags kitten and
some advice next time
Created by Grahame

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Sunday, February 18th, 2007
2:55 pm - i kind of liked it.
Haiku2 for silverraze
some drugs i tell him
to go on sale within
a week i couldnt do
Created by Grahame

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Thursday, January 11th, 2007
5:23 pm
lately my life has consisted of working, studying for work, and studying for the entrance test for CMU.
I barely see ryan or anyone else

i feel like complete shit.

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